Detroit: Rules of Driving

[This goes well with my list of Boston Driving Rules (see
http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/humor/0640.html). Of course, they're
both applicable pretty much anywhere... - Todd]

[After sitting in traffic for over an hour this morning while people
stopped to gawk at the tractors mowing the median and the accident off on
the side of the road, this seemed most appropriate (especially since the
fastest part of the road was through the construction zone)! - Kris N.]

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN METRO DETROIT

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels.

Turn signals will give away your next move.  A real Detroit driver never
uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS
kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates.  For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your
legs.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass
the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Detroit look high-tech and
to distract you from seeing the Troy police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.  It's a good way to
scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you
doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic in Detroit.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape keeps the
existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews
something to clean up.

Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pick-up
truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy
logo.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high-speed slalom driving
thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value.  Always look right and left before
proceeding.

Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.

Real Detroit women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Real Detroit men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five
miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Heavy snow, ice, fogs, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a
natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle
sales.  After all, this is the "motor city" and we do have our priorities.

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