From: Todd E Van Hoosear (vanhoose@manetheren.cl.msu.edu)
Date: 12/04/03
[Forwarded by Gary C.]
GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE
Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: DELUSIONAL MASTER'S BARBIE and
PH.D MASOCHIST BARBIE. Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun
filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:
- Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that
turns into a frown after two weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever
comes first). Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes
begin to appear like magic! Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue
jeans with five year old Gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants
with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt.
- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear
her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, it'll be done
by tomorrow."; "I'd love to write it all over again!"; and, "Why didn't I
just get a job? I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just
started working with a Bachelor's! But noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a
graduate degree. I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd
have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop
of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul.." (9V
lithium batteries sold separately.)
- Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the
exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable
panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries
to a crispy brown, her heart races 150 beats per minute, and her stomach
lining gradually dissolves into nothing. Deluxe Barbie comes with specially
designed eye ducts. Just add a few drops of water, and watch Grad School
BarbieT burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!
Other accessories (each sold separately) include:
Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge: An absolute necessity! Comes well stocked
with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),
and small bottle of Mattel Brand RumT.
Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet: Comes in fabulous pink and contains
Barbie-sized bottles of Advil, Rolaids, St. John's Wort, Zantac, and your
choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie's Medicine CabinetT not
available without a prescription).
-Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation: Barbie's grad school experience
wouldn't be complete without this! Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of
course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to
decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price of
Workstation; Tech Support sold separately).
And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of
Barbie's great friends!
GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased
education and decreased self-esteem. Grad Advisor Ken comes with a supply of
red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor KenT
deliver such wisdom to Barbie as, "I need an update on your progress."; "I
don't think you'll be ready to graduate yet."; and, "This is nowhere near
ready for publication." Buy three or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's
Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)
REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always
count on her good friend Real Job Skipper, who got a job after getting her
Bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real Job SkipperT say supportive
phrases such as, "Sometimes I wish I went for my Masters degree," and, "Work
is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!"
Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and savings account are each sold
separately.
WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to
each other, as there have been several unexplained cases of individuals
leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused
to Skipper's throat.
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```'' T o d d E V a n H o o s e a r
(._.) vanhoose@spamoff (SPAM FILTER ON)
(_) http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/
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"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
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