From: Todd E Van Hoosear (vanhoose@manetheren.cl.msu.edu)
Date: 11/21/03
[Forwarded by Mailin Van Hoosear]
[Forwarded by Mary Donoghue]
[Forwarded by Patrick Errada]
a funny i receive from my bro'n'law via gg:
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department use, we are
forced to cut down on personnel. Under our new plan, older employees will
be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of
younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out
older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review
phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS
(Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP
will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its program of employee development through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any
company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
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```'' T o d d E V a n H o o s e a r
(._.) vanhoose@spamoff (SPAM FILTER ON)
(_) http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/
`---' SPAM FILTER: Replace spamoff with gdl.msu.edu
DYK?: Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
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