From: Todd E Van Hoosear (vanhoose@manetheren.cl.msu.edu)
Date: 10/24/03
The MAN CODE
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate"
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and
slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away
with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission
and he, in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal
pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law
requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
super model...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set
and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.
29.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay.
30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in
the eye, and deliver a "F**K OFF!" You are absolved of your of
responsibility.
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```'' T o d d E V a n H o o s e a r
(._.) vanhoose@spamoff (SPAM FILTER ON)
(_) http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/
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Did You Know? (DYK?): An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
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