This was in Cu-Digest #6.35, please pass it on!------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 94 22:04:13 -0700 From: tmp@NETCOM.COM Subject: File 7--Clipper Satire
THE ROYAL CASTLE
Office of the Imperial Secretary
____________________________________________________
For Immediate Release April 1, 1894
STATEMENT BY THE IMPERIAL SECRETARY
Our Glorious Emperor today announced a new initiative that will bring the Imperial Government together with industry in an involuntary but nevertheless magnificent program to improve the security and privacy of restroom accommodations while meeting most of the critical needs of official government spies.
The initiative will involve the creation of new products to accelerate the development and deployment of advanced and secure latrine networks and State sewage facilities.
For too long there has been great whining, shrieking, agitation, even terrorism, sabotage -- and scurrilous insults upon His Honor! -- from heretical revolutionaries aimed at our hallowed institutions of imperial law enforcement, all desperate attempts to ridicule our meticulously crafted rhetoric about the grave tensions of plumbing entrepreneurialism threatening the holy, universally-accepted sanctity of government sewage surveillance (both foreign and domestic). Rather than use our grand imperial technology to accommodate the compatible interests of plumbing vitality, individual privacy, and State sewage inspections, recent events have pitted our Imperial Government against communist revolutionaries and evil madmen hellbent on evil destruction.
Sophisticated plumbing technology has been used for years for freshwater transfer. It is now being used in newfangled -- and at times somewhat scary -- contraptions called "toilets" to convey wastewater to cleaning plants. While sound plumbing technology can help royal subjects protect their drinking water from contamination and leaks in the way of their official allotments, and effectively rid dirty household wastes from personal concern, it can also be used by terrorists, drug dealers, pedophiles and other criminals to conceal invariably damning evidence -- i.e. when they flush it down their toilets.
A state-of-the-art apparatus called the "Crapper Sieve" has been developed by the most ingenious Imperial engineers. The device represents a New World Order in plumbing technology. It can be used in these new, relatively inexpensive plumbing devices ("toilets") that are attached to ordinary pipes. It filters wastewater using a sophisticated technique that is more powerful than many in use today (note that most people are not currently using any at all).
This new technology will help individuals rid themselves of their everyday wastes and prevent the embarrassing unauthorized release of their personal bodily fluids. At the same time this technology preserves the ability of Imperial, state and local law enforcement agencies to intercept lawfully the characteristically damning refuse of criminals.
A "key-escrow" system will be established to ensure that the "Crapper Sieve" protects the privacy of loyal imperial subjects and incriminates everyone else (erring of course on the side of ensuring the highest levels of purity). Each device is equipped with a trapdoor requiring two unique "keys" that will be used by authorized government spies to intercept any damning evidence recovered by the sieve. When the device is manufactured, the two keys will be deposited separately in two "key-escrow" piles, at locations designated by the Key Commissioner, to be disclosed at a future date, but guaranteed to lie on closely-guarded Imperial property and be at least two feet apart. Access to the piles will be strictly limited to government spies with legal authorization to conduct a toilet-tap. (Excessive bribes are explicitly prohibited.)
The "Crapper Sieve" technology provides Imperial spies with absolutely no new authorities to access the content of the private sewage of Imperial subjects. It merely upholds the status quo and Imperial tradition of thorough, state-of-the-art waste monitoring programs.
To demonstrate the effectiveness of this new technology, the Key Commissioner will soon purchase several thousand of the new devices and install them free of cost to the government in select areas (foreign embassies, crack houses, convention centers, and homes of private citizens with names starting with letters `Q-Z', with `X' exempt). In addition, acclaimed and celebrated experts seemingly independent from the government will be offered access to the confidential details of the sieve to assess its capabilities and publicly report their wholehearted approval and effusive commendations.
The Sieve is an important step in addressing the problem of plumbing's dual-edge sword: plumbing helps to transport the waste of individuals and industry, but it also can shield criminals and terrorists. Clearly, we need the "Crapper Sieve" and other approaches that can both provide loyal subjects with access to the plumbing they need and prevent criminals from using it to hide their crimes against the State. In order to assess technology trends and explore new approaches (like the key-escrow system), Our Glorious Emperor has directed all Imperial agencies to develop a comprehensive policy on plumbing that addresses:
-- the obsession of privacy among our citizens, including the need to employ plumbing for personal hygiene;
-- the ability of authorized official spies to access private plumbing, under imperial edict or other equally impressive legal order, when necessary to protect loyal subjects and imprison the revolutionaries, troublemakers, and hooligans;
-- the effective and timely use of the most modern technology to build the National Plumbing Infrastructure needed to maximize Imperial taxes, monitor the populace, and isolate us from enemy countries;
-- the most expedient coercion on companies to manufacture what the government identifies as appropriate high technology plumbing.
His Royal Highness has directed evasive and infrequent consultations with affected parties as policy options are developed to prevent state secrets from falling into the hands of the numerous enemy spies and traitors that have infiltrated the country and lurk everywhere among us.
Since plumbing technology will no doubt play an increasingly important role in the National Plumbing Infrastructure, the Imperial Government is acting quickly to implement it steathily and covertly, and ruthlessly silence all dissent. His Splended Grandeur is committed to policies that protect all loyalists' access to state-sponsored sewage conveyance while also protecting them from the dangerous lunatics and traitors among us that question reason and sabotage the State via illicit sewage effluxes.
Further information is provided in an accompanying fact sheet. For additional details, call Mat Heyman, National Institute of Standards and Technology, (301) 975-2758.
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QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT THE IMPERIAL ROYALTY'S "PLUMBING ESCROW" INITIATIVE
Q: Does this approach expand the authority of government spies to tap sewage flows?
A: No. "Crapper Sieve" technology provides law enforcement with no new authorities to access the content of the private sewage of loyal citizens. Imperial spies and police in our administration have always routinely intercepted illegal refuse. Rest assured that only disloyal citizens will ever be subject to inspections.
Q: Who will run the key-escrow data banks?
A: The two key-escrow data banks will be run by two independent entities, for example, His Royal Gloriousness and his current mistress, or trusted Imperial advisors while they are "busy".
Q: How strong is the security in the device? How can I be sure how strong the security is?
A: We are pleased to inform you that this system affords the state the highest level of security. While the device plans will remain secret to perpetuate Imperial authoritarianism and control over subjects, we are willing to invite an independent panel of plumbing experts to evaluate the scheme if they promise to assure all potential users that there are no vulnerabilities and compliment His Royal Emminence in some novel and pleasant way.
Q: Whose decision was it to propose this product?
A: Ours.
Q: Who was consulted?
A: Miscellaneous bureacrats at every level in the administration. Even His Highest Magnificence was even present on one occasion.
Q: Will the government provide the hardware to manufacturers?
A: Absolutely not! Manufacturers will be required to provide the hardware to the Imperial Royalty.
Q: How do I buy one of these sieve devices?
A: We are in the process of coercing all latrine manufacturers to incorporate the "Crapper Sieve" into their devices. Eventually you will pay through an invisible "Crapper Tax".
Q: If the Imperial Administration were unable to find a technological solution like the one proposed, would the Royalty have to resort to more extreme measures, such as torture?
A: The Royalty is not saying, "since private toilets threaten the public safety and effective government spying, we will prohibit them outright"; nor are we saying that "every citizen, as a matter of right, is entitled to unmonitored sewage." There is a false "tension" created in the assessment that this issue is an "either-or" proposition. Rather, both concerns can be, and in fact are, harmoniously balanced through a reasoned, balanced approach such as is proposed with the "Crapper Sieve".
Neil p Corcoran // corcora5@student.msu.edu // ->pgp key by arrangement